Veering off the work-at-home topic for a moment here. This weekend there was a bit of a scare with my dad involving a trip to the ER and an overnight hospital stay. It turns out it was more than likely just a bad combination of heat, dehydration and doing too much in too little time, but it still has me feeling kind of shaky.

When my mom called and said that my dad was on his way to the hospital, I immediately thought it had something to do with his heart. When she explained why he was going to the hospital, and it sounded like it could be something to do with his heart, I lost it. My dad has had heart problems since I was in fifth grade, which was when he ended up having triple bypass surgery. He's had some problems since then, including a scare a couple years ago. So when I hung up with my mom, not knowing if my dad had had a heart attack or was about to, I started sobbing. I hugged the little guy as close as he would let me and just bawled. I tried to compose myself as I called my husband at work, telling myself I could get through telling him the basics of what was going on without becoming incomprehensible. I got through "My dad is on his way to the hospital ..." before becoming a blubbering mess. He raced home, got his mom to watch the little guy, and drove me to the ER to be with my dad.

Even now, with all test results coming back fine and my dad safely at home, I can't quite relax. I haven't slept well and I keep looking at my phone to make sure I haven't missed any calls. I think when you almost lose a parent as a child (and maybe it never was quite that bad, but when you're 10 and your dad has open heart surgery, that's what it feels like), you start to become panicked about losing them for real. As a kid you kind of think your parents are going to live forever, so when something happens that makes it painfully obvious that they are in fact human, you're never really the same again. I don't think I would fly into a panic quite so fast at any mention of my dad going to the hospital if his heart attack had happened five years ago instead of 17. Depending on how old your parents are and who you've lost in your life, I think you start to realize in your 20s that at some point your parents aren't going to be around any longer. It's a horrible thought, but one everyone has to accept to some degree. When you're made to face that as a child, it's almost as if you go back to that age when it all first happened every time there's another health scare.

I know the panic in my chest will subside with time and sleep will start to come easier at night. I just hope I don't feel like I'm 10-years-old again for a very long time.

Yesterday, for the first time in months, I was home alone. Well, I had the dog with me, but I was the only human in the house. When I worked in an office near home, I would occasionally run home at lunch to throw in a load of laundry or grab something to eat, but I was only there for 30 minutes at the most. Yesterday I was home by myself for more than three hours. That is definitely the longest I have been alone since the little guy was born two years ago.

My husband was at work and my mom had offered to watch the little guy so I could get some work done. Even though he was asleep most of the time he was with my mom, I still felt guilty coming back to the house alone. My brain knew I was coming home to work, but it didn't feel like that when I walked in the door. I don't have an office, so working involves me sitting on the couch with my laptop, which is what I'm doing right now and the little guy is playing on the floor next to me. Because I wasn't going to work, I was going home to work, I felt like I was abandoning the little guy in a way. Between the guilt and the overall feelings of weirdness, I didn't get as much accomplished as I should have.

Since my mom is a teacher and she's off for the summer, she'll be watching the little guy about once a week with the hopes that I can cram in a bunch of work in one day and then have more time to do other things the rest of the week. Next time I'll probably be home alone all day. Here's hoping I can get over the guilt and the weirdness and actually be productive.